A colossal calamity

When I put thought into my current state of existence, it sickens me. The crumbling infrastructure of my life should be cause for great concern, yet all I care about is being noticed at a distance.

I bought my new car last October, doubling my car payment and increasing my insurance. Despite all the compliments and looks my modest but sweet car get, the rush is only temporary and truth becomes obvious.
If people notice my car then maybe I’m going to fit in and be liked. Never do I seem to fully fit in anywhere I go and people usually like me. I’m the one who dislikes me.

The self sabotage express rides again, with me at the helm. While I ignore the dentist, doctor and a needed visit to a therapist my life gets more subverted and complicated. With few friends, no voices state concern, no one is appalled with my limitless approval seeking. The questioning left to me, the worst judge of my own well being possible.

Knowing what’s right, then acting right are miles apart. Fear is running my life, and I have let it run rampant over my sense. There’s hope, only if I admit defeat and sell that car. Perhaps that’s too drastic, maybe these troubles have me addicted to their circumstance and drama. Then again maybe this life is the colossal calamity it seems.



One comment on “A colossal calamity

  1. B

    As G.I. Joe says, knowing is half the battle! At least you are aware of all this, so the ball is in your court. This is why I started using. I wanted to dumb myself down to feel like I “fit in”. Even though I was liked well enough, I felt so separate from everyone else, mostly from my own doing. Maybe you could make some sort of pros and cons list to put your priorities in order in a more concrete way to figure out if selling the car would be your best plan of action. It seems possible getting rid of these material things might be helpful to you because you’d sort of be forced to work on some of those insecurities instead of letting yourself stay distracted. Just a thought! I think you are a super cool dude and that it’s possible you’re being a bit too hard on yourself 🙂 There’s others like you! And me! We just have to find them, which is really hard to do if you’re so down on yourself, limiting the length you can reach out.
    I wish you luck with whatever decision comes for you.

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This entry was posted on 05/22/2013 by and tagged , .
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